G.I.G-Day 4

  Today was a very full day, that is why this is so late. As a matter of fact, I almost forgot. The Holy Spirit graciously reminded me as I was headed to bed. He is good like that. ;)

    My niece, the one who received the heart transplant, had an exceptionally rough day. She was airlifted to a hospital in Nashville, and is even now in the ICU. However, if her mother (my sister) can be grateful despite those circumstances, I can be, too.

The four things I am thankful for today:

1. The tens of *thousands* of people praying for sweet Gracey. It is humbling and awe-striking to see the family of God come together in such a mighty way. If I had a *penny* for each person who was praying for her today I would be wealthy in terms of monetary gain. In terms of spiritual wealth, though, I am overflowing.

2. The wonder that is Facebook. It gets a bad rep, but to get the word out to pray to all those people, it was a gift from God. Instantly, Gracey's page was flooded with words of encouragement and promises to pray.

3. That Gracey is here. This time last year we truly did not know if she would be here for her first birthday. She is a fighter, and she is truly a testimony of the healing powers of God and prayer.

4. The wonder of organ donation. It doesn't make sense, that loss should equal gain, but in the terms of organ donation, it does. The precious family that lost a sweet little one truly gave the most valuable gift that they could in the time of their worst sorrow. I will never stop being grateful for that sacrifice, because without it our sweet Gracey would never have been able to reach this point.

Please, keep her in your prayers. Her short life has been full of more difficulties than several adults combined, and her sweet family is so very weary. Questions are many and answers are few and that is the very best place for prayers. Thank you.

To Gracey, On Your 1st Birthday

Not a great picture of either of us, and you can tell Carson in a few years what you think of him, but I love you anyway!

Dear Gracey,

              Let me just start by saying: I hope that this blog post, on my very famous, world-renowned blog, doesn't offend your brother and sisters, since I have never written them a post on any of their birthdays. I love them no less than you, but you see, I never had to write a post like this one to any of them either. So, they will just have to trust that Aunt Clare would give her life for any of them, same as you, and they probably don't really want a blog post anyway. They will most likely happily settle for the usual gift card. ;)

     But you, Gracey, where to begin? At the part where you literally are only here because God is so much better, so much more powerful, so much more *grace* full than I could have ever imagined a year ago? Because I thought I knew Him, and then I met you. And if I think you turned my life upside down, I can't even begin to address how your mom and dad feel. But for the grace of God, you should be dead. And that seems like a harsh, hateful thing to say, but it is true. You, my sweet, sweet, niece are the most physical evidence that as the heavens are higher than the earth, so His ways are above our's.

   Your tiny little busted heart could not sustain you. You were so ill, after months of waiting your trademark grin had faded to the faintest smile. You were not doing well. And neither were we. The Lord and I had this conversation every day: "It's today, Lord, right? We've waited long enough, haven't we?". And *my* heart started to fail, and the doubt crept in, whispering in its hateful way... "What if?".

   And I will NEVER forget the night before God graciously reached down and decided to restore your life. I called your mom-she needed help, she was constantly at the hospital, and your brother and sisters needed someone, and she needed someone, and I wanted to be there, but was worried-what if we had months ahead of us? We were looking at plane tickets and trying to make travel plans and nothing was working. I kept hearing a Still Small Voice, and I finally stopped. I could hear, as plain as day, it was saying, "Wait". And I told your mom. And we agreed, we would stop trying to make plans and take the weekend to figure out what the Lord wanted us to do. We prayed, and I felt peace wash over me. I knew the Lord was going to make His will so abundantly clear we would not be able to miss it.

    I went to bed that night and slept like I hadn't slept in weeks. And I woke up to a phone full of messages-that peace? It was the Lord. He was just being patient, wanting me to trust that He had it under control. Do you know what it is like to hear that the Thing you've been praying for-for days, that turned into weeks, that turned into months has finally happened? You feel like you are in a dream. You keep checking-is it real? Yes, it is still real? But is it really real? Yes, it is really real. And you don't know what to say, or do.

    But then, like with all of life, the dream turns into cold, hard reality. And you had your precious donated heart, the greatest physical gift any person can give. There were ups, and there were downs. You could go home, wait; no, you couldn't. You were out of the hospital, now you were back in. You were gaining weight, you were losing weight. And that is when it hit me, as a pastor I once knew used to say, "The way you get in, is the way you go on." We realized: the prayers we had prayed before your gift? Those were the ones we would keep on praying. "Lord, provide." "Lord, sustain."

    So that is you, my darling niece. You never let us forget Who is really calling the shots. Your life screams what we should all take time to remember: every moment is precious, tomorrow is promised to *no one*! You are a breathing, smiling, talking, moving reminder that your life is not your own-you were bought with a price. And every moment is a gift.

   You are me- except you are highlighted, underlined, written in boldest black. You are each of us, we just don't want to see it. Every moment of your life has been bathed, showered, flooded with prayer. And mine should be no different. Because I, too, have been bought with a price. I am not my own. And I am also living on borrowed time, each fragile, priceless moment to be accounted for to Someone Else.

   You have showed me what it means to pray without ceasing. You have shown me how to smile through the pain, to carry on with the glorious task of living in the mundaneness, the beauty and the tragedy that is life. The very prayers I prayed, not just for a heart, but for you to taste ice cream, meet your siblings, sleep in your own bed! have happened before my very eyes. And it, you, are my very own miracle. And I haven't stopped being thankful. And I won't stop being grateful.

   You are amazing Gracey, not because you had a heart transplant, but because God created you. You are amazing Gracey, not because you live on borrowed time, but because we all do, and our time is better because you are in it. You are amazing Gracey, because your smile can light up a room, and your laugh is contagious, and you radiate God's goodness. You are amazing Gracey, because God filled you with possibilities that are on the cusp of being explored, and you get to wear on the outside what most of us only wear on the inside: we are here by God's grace, no more, no less. And I can't wait to see what He has in store for you.

                                                                                    Love Always,
                                                                                               Aunt Clare

After Your Prayers Have Been Answered

 

     I have read blog after blog about how to trust God, be faithful and continue in prayer during tough times. There are lists and Scriptures and commentary. And that is so wonderful. It is tough to persevere when it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But what about when you are finally out of the tunnel? What about when you have passed through valley? What about when you get what you have been longing for? What do you when your prayers have been answered?

   This may seem like a crazy question because it seems so obvious: you rejoice! But, as with anything in life, it is never quite that clear-cut. I went where I always go when I had questions, and not surprisingly, I found the answer:

"Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us again. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many." 2 Corinthians 1:9-11 (NIV)

   I laughed when I saw this passage, because it really couldn't suit our circumstances any more perfectly. If you have been following me for the past few months you know that my niece was in desperate need of a heart transplant. She had truly received a death sentence, her own heart could not sustain life. We were completely without options, we had to rely on God. No one had any power to obtain a heart on her behalf, we could only pray, hoping and trusting that the Lord would see fit to allow her life to continue while we waited, and that He would answer our prayers by sending a heart that would, in so many ways, "raise the dead". Because without that answer to prayer, she was as good as dead.

    So we prayed and waited, and waited and prayed. Sometimes, honestly, I had more faith than others. Some days, I had complete peace, and sometimes the tempest raged. Sometimes I smiled, sometimes I cried. But I knew He was working.

   And it took four months, which may not seem that long, but it felt as if it were an eternity. Many days, I went to bed praying that "tomorrow" would be the day. And it would pass. My sister lives a three days drive from where most of our family lives, and because she has three children at home we had decided that either my mom or I would plan to come and help her while she juggled being a homeschooling mom and also being at the hospital (which is over an hour away). We finally decided I would fly out and leave my own kids with my mom.

      But it still wasn't coming together, plane tickets were expensive, it wasn't really feasible for me to drive so far by myself, and about a thousand other little details just weren't being taken care of. It just wasn't working. We kept looking for a solution and everyone was frustrated. We discussed all kinds of plans. And then on the last Friday in January I felt the clearest Voice saying, "Wait." That's all, just wait. I was worried that my mom and my sister would be frustrated that I wasn't still looking for an answer, but when I talked to Robyn on Friday I finally admitted to her that I really felt like the Lord had an answer that we couldn't see. That I really felt like we needed to just pray about it over the weekend, and I strongly believed that He would give us a clear answer if we were just willing to bide our time. And surprisingly, they both agreed. We would take the weekend to pray and make a decision about what would happen on Monday.

    Well, if you follow Miss Gracey's Facebook page you know what happened. Joel and I had decided to sleep in, and I actually still had my phone on vibrate Saturday morning, but I was awake enough to realize it was buzzing at about 8:30am. My mom was calling-her voice was shaking, and she only had a minute, but she said, "They think there is a heart for Gracey." Well, I knew right then that was our answer! And boy, was it sooo much better than anything I could have planned! Shortly after that, Robyn called. She didn't make a whole lot of sense, but I couldn't blame her. Gracey was getting a heart!

    Everything we had been praying for, fasting over, dreaming of, was about to come true, And in typical fashion, God had covered every detail. Because He is THAT good. I would say I couldn't believe it, but the funny thing is, I never doubted that He had done it in His perfect timing, and this was exactly what we had been praying for.

  And I contemplated fasting, for Gracey and the surgery, and the doctors, and my sister. But I decided that it was a day for rejoicing, for recognizing and reveling in the goodness of God. It was definitely a day for "giving thanks for...gracious favor"!  And the excitement carried well into the next day after she had the surgery. Everyone was elated, we just kept exclaiming over and over what a miracle the whole thing was.

   But a few days after that, I became a little overwhelmed. There were still so many things that could go wrong. You don't take a heart transplant lightly-recovery is long and arduous, there were still many obstacles to overcome. Should I have been praying about these things before she even got a heart? Should I worry that the Lord had brought us this far to take a sudden turn? Should I feel guilty that Gracey got a heart when so many other babies needed one? Should I be sorrowful for the family that generously allowed Gracey to live when their own sweet child had died? I felt guilty, because God had given me exactly what I wanted and it seemed that I still wasn't satisfied.

    And that is when I realized: an answered prayer isn't an end-all, be-all. We will still need God and continue to need Him, and that is a very important part of His plan. He gave us what we wanted, knowing it would bring glory to Him, but He wouldn't have allowed it to take place if it had relieved us of our reliance on Him. It was still very good and right to know that we will need to be "delivered again". I needed to set my hope on the fact that He will continue taking care of the details and not overlook anything.

   And so, while I am rejoicing and praising Him in gratitude, I will still be relying on Him to answer all the questions that this answer has brought. The two needn't be mutually exclusive. He is still using Gracey to bring glory to Himself every day. Healing brings great glory to Him, and I wasn't at all surprised that the sermon text this Sunday was one that I referenced in my original blog about Gracey's great need.

"As He went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." John 9:1-3 (NIV)

  God has displayed a great work in Gracey's life. But He still has much that He wants to do, so now that my prayer has been answered, I will rejoice and be glad, but I will still look to the Lord to provide for the future. I won't ask why He chose us to receive this great blessing, but instead will rest knowing that it is what brings the greatest glory to Him. I am sure in Jesus' day there were many blind people who He did not heal. That did not diminish the miracle of this healing in John. So, it is also true that Gracey's healing is not diminished by the seeming lack of His response to others whose needs are just as great. I can trust that He will work in those lives in a way that will bring the greatest glory. I can trust that He will provide peace and healing to the donor family-that their loss which brought us such amazing gain will glorify Him in their lives-perhaps drawing them closer to God and each other. Only He can know. I can continue to pray for the situations that come up now that Gracey is post-transplant, believing that He who has delivered us will continue to deliver us again.

   And I already know that many are giving thanks, after many have prayed. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing to celebrate answered prayers with the family of God. Nobody knows quite how to party like His people. So, the short version: After your prayers have been answered, you should praise and pray. I can promise you that the answer to your prayer will not be the end of your story, so keep looking to Him and for Him. And thank Him for allowing your need for Him to continue. He wants to keep answering your prayers, He longs to show you that He is truly all you need. Trust me, that's a good thing. He won't be done showing His glory in your life. That's what I'm planning on doing, anyway.

P.S. Gracey is truly doing amazing. There are thousands of people who are covering her in prayer, and I know that the Lord is working in such a mighty way through all of that. I can't believe that the grinning baby in the photo above was barely opening her eyes a little over a week ago. God gave us a definite miracle and I will never stop being thankful.

Linked up:
"Titus 2 Tuesday" at Cornerstone Confessions

     

To My Sister, That Time Your Baby Needed a Heart Transplant

I so appreciate you, dear readers, for coming alongside me during this time. Your prayers mean more than you will ever know. I feel so vulnerable sharing these things, but I also feel compelled to-sometimes just because it seems it is the only way to keep from completely breaking down...

Dear Robyn,

              We've been sisters a long time now. My whole life, really, since you are the oldest. You never let me forget that fact growing up. And secretly, that made me glad. Glad that went things went wrong *you* were the responsible one, when our parents tried out new disciplinary tactics, you were the guinea pig, when chores needed to be done, you had the lion's share.

    And once we became "adults" (whatever that horrid word means) I liked it even more, and not so secretly. You had the first boyfriend, and I learned how to interact with guys, you got the first job (and then got me a job), you got married first and I was the terrible maid of honor, you had the first baby, and made me a little less afraid to be a mom. And then, we were in it together, new moms, military wives, far from our family. But we had each other. Through babies and deployments, and moves, and crises big and small. We talked for hours on the phone, about everything and nothing.

   And I have never stopped looking up to you. You have always been the put-together one, the organizer, the mother-er, the planner. You do everything with such amazing finesse. And you have always been so strong. I knew you would be there for me any time I needed you. And I took advantage of that, for sure!

   And now, this. Who knew that the Lord had a such a thing in life for you as a sweet, tiny, helpless baby who would need a *heart* transplant? You have always loved babies-for as long as I can remember. When I haplessly tossed my Cabbage Patch kids on the bed, you would tenderly rescue them and chide me for my lack of caring. You loved to babysit, and did it for the chance to love on other people's babies. I was the childcare mercenary-anything for the money. And when you finally had your own sweet little ones, you had reached Nirvana-achieving your lifelong dream of motherhood.

   And now, your maternal instinct is screaming at you, relentlessly. This tiny thing, it needs you, but you can't be everything. You can't heal her with anything you possess. And I know it is the hardest thing you've ever done-to stand waiting. I know because watching this mercilessly pound you is the hardest thing I've ever done. You're my big sister, and I can't make it go away the way you have so many times for me. I can't fix it-like the many times you have remedied things for me.

   I don't know how to make this better. Pretty much because I can't. I say, "I'm sorry" and I quote Scripture and I pray. Oh, how I pray! And pray! And pray. I have become intimately aware of what 1 Thessalonians 5:17 really means. But only God can fix this, only God can see you through it. And I am learning, because of you, what it really means to trust God.

    And so, in this too, you are still going ahead of me. Showing me what grace in the face of great tragedy looks like, what fully relying on an unseen God means. How to give glory while suffering, and do so in a way that draws others closer to the One who deserves all the glory. You claimed these verses for little Gracelyn, but *you* are the one making Scripture true with your life:

"Yet I am always with You;     You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel,    and afterward You will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?    And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
 My flesh and my heart may fail,    but God is the strength of my heart    and my portion forever."

                                                                                    Psalm 73:23-26 (NIV)

  And there is no way that you could be setting a better example for me in this, my dearest "big" sister. You are hope, faith, love, and patience-even though I know there have been many days that you haven't feel that way. You are strong-not of yourself, but because of Whose you are. I wish that I could make this go away... oh, I don't think even you could comprehend how my heart longs to fix this all, not just for sweet Gracey, but for you. I believe, though, that my prayers are reaching the Throne of Grace, and I know that He who began this work in you, He is the One who will be faithful to complete it. And in the meanwhile, know that I am here-however you need me, whenever you need me. Because no one knows like a sister knows, right?