Sunday, January 23, 2011

Drop the Act

I am sure most of you know by now that Joel is being medically discharged from the Army. It is a really looooong story but it boils down to sooner rather than later he will have to find a "real" job. It is complicated-mostly by the fact that we have no timetable for when he will actually be out. People keep asking, "What is he planning on doing when he gets out?". That question is about as distasteful to me as asking a newly married couple when they plan to have kids. Some things you just don't know- you have to leave them up to God.

It is hard to make plans when you can't make plans. Joel can't apply, or even actively start looking, for a job until we know when he gets out. Most employers aren't anxious to hire an employee who can start "sometime". We don't know if we are staying in CO, we don't know if he is going to go to school, really we are just useless! But what an exercise in faith! I am sick of thinking that I know something, I am tired of making arrangements based on foundations that are about as stable as an ice cube on the sidewalk in July.

God knows. I don't have to. He is sovereign, amazing and knows EVERYTHING. I am free in that. I know He has called me right now to have faith, be prudent with our finances, and not worry. I am not called to find Joel a job- as a matter of fact, I feel released from even thinking about what will happen. I am really living in the moment right now- and it is not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.

However, I am not at all released from praying. I have felt a stronger urge than ever to continue to pray fervently for Joel. Joel is the one who is carrying the heaviest weight through all of this. He desire to provide well for this family is causing him such stress. Daily, sometimes hourly, I am before the Throne begging the Father to lead Joel through His will.

I was praying on the way to Bible study the other day. I was asking the Lord to give Joel assurance that He had a plan for our family. And I asked Him to provide Joel with a job. Any job. I remember thinking, "Lord, I am not asking for extravagant. I am asking for barely enough to get by. I am asking for the driest crust." I remember thinking that I didn't want to be demanding- I wanted to be humble.

And then I heard the Lord say, "Why are you asking for so little? Are you assuming that I am planning on giving you less? Why are you asking me for a stone when I am waiting to give you something so much better? Why won't you ask me for the best I have for? Why don't you believe that I have something more than the bare minimum? Why, when I have saved and redeemed you, don't you believe that I want to bless you even in this? Ask me for a full, fresh, loaf."

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him! "
Matthew 7:9-11

Don't misunderstand me- I don't think that the Lord is calling me to ask for Joel to become the CEO of a major company, for a million dollar salary, for a house in the city and a cabin in the mountains. I know He could give us all those things. He wasn't telling me to name it and claim. I think He just wanted me to realize that it isn't humility to ask Him to help us scrape by. He wanted me to have faith that His plan is abundance. I don't know what that means- I don't know if that will be contentment and peace in my heart that surpasses our earthly circumstances, I don't know if that will be a job that is offered quickly or one we are given patience to wait for. I only know that He showed me that our manna for today is quickly expiring, but there will be more tomorrow. More than enough. Not asking for His best is not being humble- it is being faithless. It is believing that He doesn't love me enough to provide WELL for me. I am hiding behind a facade of humility to cover my lack of faith.

So here I am Lord. I don't know what You have planned. But I know You want to bless with something far beyond what my simple mind can conceive. You want me to have faith that You will provide in abundance, according to Your perfect plan. You long to give me the desires of my heart- the very desires-You want me to ask You to tell me what to want! Then You will give it to me when my heart is where it belongs- with You. You have good gifts for me-and I am ready to believe. Give me fresh, hot, Your time.


  1. Clare your spiritual blogs always, always make me cry! But in a good way. :)
    I am praying for you guys! You are an amazing woman of God and I know He has great things for you because you trust in Him. This really reminded me that I don't need to worry about the future because I can't control it!
    Love you!
    Lisa Dawn

  2. Yeah, what Lisa Dawn said :) He knows the plans He has for us and they're to give us a future and a hope. You are walking in Him and He will take care of you!

  3. We will miss you guys if you have to leave! We are praying for you! Keep having faith that God will take care of you, and lead you where He wants you to be!

  4. As always, well said. Know that your family & Joel's upcomming discharge from the Army has been in my thoughts and prayers.

    I may even be squeezing in a bit of selfish desire: FOR YOU TO STAY IN CO, BY ME!!

    Great post, I'll continue praying for you all, friend.



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