1:33 AM-that is when Carson woke up. It is 2:51 AM now and he is still in his bed. The internal argument hasn't stopped. What if there is something wrong? What if he needs a diaper change? I know he isn't hungry, he last ate at 11:00 PM. Well, what if he is sick? And on and on... I know in my heart he is testing me. I feel like I am too far gone now to give in, but the victory seems hollow since I don't think I will be able to sleep very easily after he finally gives up. He is not screaming just whining and now saying, "Ma ma ma ma". Why does being the parent have to be so hard? Why are we faced with the conundrum of wanting to give our children everything yet knowing that would actually do them the most harm? It so reminds me of our walk with our Perfect Father. He knows exactly what we need, but we seldom do. Usually what we demand the most strongly would profit us the least. What we don't want, like medicine, often provides the most benefit. I am so glad that He has staying power. No temper tantrum or endless crying jag sways Him. Yet, if we search our hearts we know He is always in the other room, waiting for us to become calm so He can comfort us. Except for in our case we are the ones keeping ourselves from Him. I can't go to Carson or he will learn to expect it at all hours (oh, wait he already does and that is why we are doing this!). With God it is all about our bad behavior pushing Him away. He cannot give us Himself fully when we are flailing and screaming. He will not be forced into action. It is when we dry our tears and crawl sniffling into His lap that He gathers us in His arms and just holds us. Then we realize that is all we really needed all along. Like the song says, "I am so glad that Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me. I am so glad that Jesus loves me, Jesus loves even me."
Well, I feel amazingly lucid for 3:00 AM, only time will tell if this is really all gibberish. But while I am up maybe I will go have a snack to pass the time...
Wow! That's good for 2:41 a.m.!! ;)ReplyDelete
I truly know how that feels as a mommy and only you as Carson's mommy knows if it will work for him. Remember that he is yours and know one else knows how to be just the right mommy for him but you. (Although his Aunt Robyn would be MORE than willing to try:)