To Jocelyn, on Your 18th Birthday

 

Dear Jocelyn,

                      I can not believe that I am writing this to you on your EIGHTEENTH birthday. I started writing to you when you were four. I am almost at a loss as to what to say. While I know that I will always be your mom, I know that no matter how hard it is for me, this era of our lives is drawing to a close. I don't think it is wrong for me to take a moment to grieve that soon things will be radically different. You won't be in your room at the bottom of the stairs every night when I go to bed. Your dreams are coming true and they are much bigger than our little house. And I love that, but it hurts too. 

    Parenting is the most beautifully, exquisitely painful, thing I have ever experienced. It fills your heart while simultaneously breaking it over and over. We are already experiencing the end of so many sweet "always" things. This was the first year ever that I delivered Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes without you. We didn't get to have corndogs at Sonic on Halloween. You have your own job, and school, and it is good! I'm so thankful for all the opportunities you have. We have worked hard to train you up in the fear of the Lord, and the time is quickly approaching where you will get to choose on your own how to put into practice all you've learned.

 

    And I know that you will still need me, but it will be different. You are already so wonderfully independent in so many amazing ways. You have made juggling college classes, work, and church commitments look effortless. But even beyond that, you have traveled with friends and student government on your own, found a new job, applied for college and managed to help out friends and family, too. 

    You are creating a life that you love and seeing you achieve so many goals is absolutely inspiring. You decided to go after a position in the college student government and you have fallen in love with it. You found a place in a group of strangers who are now friends. You have put on countless events already, and attended so many retreats and conferences. The highlight was sneaking in a trip to Disneyland this last week, which was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream for you! I could not have been happier for you.

    I know you have your heart set on going away to school, and I know you will be successful at whatever you choose to do. You are still so fearless, and you love a new adventure. I know that you will stay strong in your faith wherever life takes you. Your love for Jesus hasn't wavered, and He will never fail you.

   I am SO proud of who you are. I have always loved you, but the older you get the more I truly like you. You have reached an age where you need less "telling" and more "recommending". I can trust you to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit, and I am always praying that will be true. I hope you will always know that the advice I give is based on my desire for you to follow the Lord, and that you will be able to trust that my love for you is an outflow of the love He has for us. And I pray you will never "outgrow" your need for me to be your mother. I love you.

                                                                                             Love always,

                                                                                                         Mom

To Jocelyn, On Your 16th Birthday

 

Dear Jocelyn,

                      Happy 16th birthday! It is impossible to describe the joy that you bring us, and I hope that on your birthday you know at least a small part of that. We are past the halfway point of your teen years (eek!) and it has truly been a pleasure to be your mom. People say teenagers are the worst, but this has been my favorite part of parenting so far. 

        The biggest reason for that is that you are not just my daughter, you are my sister in Christ. You are there with an encouraging word for me in tough seasons, and have already given me wise and loving counsel. I see Jesus in you and it continually delights me. You are the fragrance of the Gospel wherever you go and it is inspiring to all who know you. You live a life worthy of Him who called you, and it isn't one lived in a bubble. You have been in some difficult relationships, and you have had your beliefs tested. I doubt that it will end soon, but allow it to continue to make you lean into Jesus. 

       I am trying hard not to think about the fact that our homeschooling journey is almost at an end. I am having so much fun teaching you this year-you have developed a love for literature that delights me to no end. You still have a brain for science, and of course, math! You can run circles around me in those areas. You carefully chose to end your dance training this fall, so you could pursue other interests. You've put time into your social media channels, and it has been fun seeing your success. You are so brave! You have had fun learning guitar, and spending time on your artwork. When you won that art contest earlier this year it was nice to see the validation you felt-it was time well spent.

      Of course you have had time for friendships, too. You make your friends feel valued and it shows in how they seek you out. I loved that you still find ways to have fun and be silly-you realize that one is never too grown up to wear a good costume. Your "White Rabbit" this year was one of my all-time favorites of ever. (And literature inspired, too!)

   And you are as helpful and cheerful as ever. Awana, Operation Christmas Child, our Browne ministry, Vacation Bible School. You are my volunteering buddy and I love it. Your work is exemplary, and you serve more than many adults, but you never ask for accolades. I know that your future crown is already full of jewels. As always, you inspire me, challenge me, and daily remind me of God's goodness. I am looking forward to seeing you tackle driving and starting college soon. You will do great, I know, because you will do it with the Lord at the center. With Him, you will never fail. I love you so much, my wonderful daughter. 

                                                                                                Love Always,

                                                                                                                  Mother.

To Jocelyn, On Your 15th Birthday

 Dear Jocelyn,

      Happy Birthday! What a year to be 15! This year has been hard, no doubt about it. It has tried all of us in many ways and you are no exception. However, in the trying you have been refined, not broken. I see you wrestling with your faith, and I am thrilled. You are truly learning how to walk with Christ on your own, and that is all I could ever have asked for. All the other wonderful things about you are just extras.

    And there are so many extras. One of my greatest pleasures this year has been sharing classic literature with you. Wrestling with  Hamlet and delighting in Jane Eyre, seeing you "get" "The Yellow Wallpaper" and chuckle over "Bernice Bobs Her Hair" has brought me such satisfaction. You haven't loved everything, (such strong feelings about "The Gift of the Magi"!) but you've tackled it with enthusiasm. I always want you to know that I have never lost sight of what an awe-inspiring privilege it is to homeschool you. Our homeschool journey together is drawing swiftly to a close. It is so hard to think of "graduating" from that part of our relationship. You've suffered from many of my mistakes, but when I see your love of learning and your skillful work, I know we made the right choice. I wouldn't trade this time with you for anything. 

  In all of the teaching I've done, I am still learning, too. And you have shown me so much. You have an incredible talent for friendships. You are the friend to others that I always wanted at that age. You truly love your friends, and you care enough to work through tough things with them. You have faced some challenges, hard things, stuff that would have caused adults to abandon friendships without a second thought. Instead you have prayerfully confronted these things, and it blows me away to think of how the Lord has used you. People need to hear hard things from people who love them. It takes an incredible amount of grace and maturity, though, to be the one who speaks truth in love. 

    I am constantly astonished that you turn to me for advice, that you listen to what I have to say. The relationship that we have is truly a gift. To know that you trust me to lead you in truth makes me strive even hard to be the woman of God that you believe to me. You have deepened my relationship with Christ in so many ways. I am constantly praying that the Holy Spirit will make me worthy of that trust.

    I am so thankful for you in so many ways. You are such a help to me-my companion in many of the ministries that I lead, and I don't think anyone realizes the ways that I rely on you. You are such a faithful worker for Christ-serving in countless ways, never expecting praise or recognition. You are essential in our Operation Christmas Child projects, we couldn't do VBS without you, you are always at Awana serving kids, you come early to co-op and stay late. You are involved in your own things, too. I know your gift of administration will shine in your new position as Student Representative. They have found a jewel in you! You know how to coordinate and motivate people in ways I could only dream of. 

    You are amazing. You are already doing great things-you've never seen any reason to wait to invest the talents God has given you right now. Here, now, you are living in confidence that God can use you and you are absolutely right. I'm just glad He let me be a part of it all. I love you so much. I hope 15 is wonderful beyond your wildest expectations. 

                                                                                                 Love,

                                                                                                     Mom

    

To Jocelyn, on Your 14th Birthday

Dear Jocelyn,
             Happy Birthday! It is easy to celebrate all the wonderful things you are: Christ-like, talented, creative, loving, kind, smart, pretty. I wish that you could see in you what I do. I see the fears that are fighting to steal that light. I wish I could hide you from those anxieties and protect you from the things that try to steal your joy. However, that isn't truly my job. My job is to teach you to turn to the only One who can take away all your worries, and protect you from anything that comes against you.

      My job is to remind you that He alone can truly bring comfort and peace. My words can only be a poor imitation of His, but as long as I have breath my prayer is to point you to Him. In everything, big and small. I keep telling you that things won't get easier, not to frighten you, but to say that now is the time to fully trust Him. Your dad and I do our best to be a loving, safe haven for you, but we are flawed. We will let you down, frustrate you, at times we will even hurt you, because we too are humans. But if I only teach you one thing let it be this: You can trust Jesus fully. He will never let you down, He will never hurt you, He will unconditionally, eternally love you. He will always be there.

       Life isn't fair. Life isn't for the faint of heart. But Jesus can help you learn to live without fear-only imitate me as I imitate Him. My hope has never been to have a daughter that takes after me, but rather one that takes after her heavenly Father. Perhaps one day, instead of hearing that you are like me, people will say that I am like you, as you follow after Jesus completely, unashamedly, without any reservations. That would bring me more joy than anything I can think of. This is my constant prayer for you as you navigate the complexities that maturing brings:

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." Psalm 105:4

   If you can grasp this now, during these tumultuous, coming-of-age, times you will find true success. I could not care less if you are famous, or rich, or even happy. None of those things matter, what truly matters is knowing that you are worth so much to Christ that He gave His life for *you*. And you were created to "glorify Him and enjoy Him forever". You do not have to wait to be a "grown-up", whatever that means, to do those things. Christ is fully in you now-You have complete access to every promise in Him that you ever will. Don't wait to follow Him without reservations. Today is the day! And all I want you to know is I am behind you, cheering for you, praying for you, and at many times, learning from your example. Jesus is all you will ever need. And it is my honor to be able to remind you of that when you need to hear it. I love you.
                                                                                                              Love,
                                                                                                                       Mom

To Jocelyn, On Your 13th Birthday

Dear Jocelyn,

                  I think you pretty much know my viewpoint on the "teenage years". They aren't magical or exceptional, other than in the sense that they are a continuation on growing and maturing that you've been doing all along. Each year is a milestone, with it's own highlights and challenges. Adding "teen" to your age doesn't change that.

    And it doesn't have to turn you into someone you don't recognize. More than ever the world will demand that you turn your back on what you know is true. It will lie and tell you this is the time to "try new things", code for rebel against, mock and twist the truth. It will tell you that you need to "find yourself". Don't listen, you know the Truth. His name is Jesus. You are *so* faithful to Him, and focusing on Him will never be a bad choice. It will always lead to real, abundant, life. These things have been true all your life and they won't change now. We have always encouraged you to learn all you can about Him, to listen to His leading, to believe that the Holy Spirit teaches you and guides you. Don't follow your heart, or your dreams! Those selfish desires will only lead you astray. Follow Him, follow His vision for you. Follow His heart. 

    You have amazed me your whole life with your passion for Christ. As you become more and more autonomous, gaining new abilities and responsibilities you will be able to do a wider variety of things for the Kingdom. You are already gearing up for some big opportunities, deciding to do hard things, trusting that He will go before and behind you. Keep saying "yes!" to Him.

    Your challenge is the same as it has always been: fighting the fear that everyone seems to think is necessary. That is the biggest lie you will hear. Fear is absolutely in contradiction to everything the Word teaches. Over and over we are told, "DO NOT BE AFRAID!" You do NOT have to fear-He is with you. I am learning this, too, but I am here to encourage you. I am here to remind you. I am here to stand beside you. I can't do if for you, but if I can, I'll go with you. If I can't, I will be waiting to hear your stories of victory through Christ, to cheer you on, and to bring the ice cream. 

    And never, ever forget how much your Dad and I love you. The hard things we make you do are to help you to continue to mature in who Christ wants you to be. Our chief desire for you is to grow in the love of the Lord and walk in His ways. Your education, your extracurricular activities, your free time, those are all tools to reach the goal: loving the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength. I have no expectations for you other than to follow His leading. 

   Make the most of Jesus. Leave the things of the world behind. I've said these things to you since you were born. These years ahead, they are just about continuing that journey. My fervent prayer for you is that in every way you will far surpass the faith that I have. I am always here to encourage you in that. I love you, my sweet, bright, lovable, Christ-like girl. That is never going to change.

                                                                                                          Love, 

                                                                                                                    Mom

To Jocelyn, On Your 12th Birthday

Dear Jocelyn,

                 Another year, another birthday letter. It's really starting to feel like you are growing up. It doesn't really have anything to do with your age, although that is one way to mark it. It has more to do with how you talk, and think and act. 

   Moms often say they miss when their kids were little. I don't miss that so much (although you were awfully cute!) as I miss how blissfully unaware you were-carefree and easygoing. The cruddy part of growing up is that those things somewhat have to fade away as we truly mature. We have to take notice of what is going on around us. We have to put thought and care and *work* into doing things that must be done. We can't always expect someone to tell us how to think and act. You are beginning to realize there is a great big world outside our safe little home, and while it many times pleases us with its pleasures and beauties, it can sometimes bite and poke and break. 

     But I think you are going to hold your own. I think you will make it through relatively unscathed. I know we can do this with the Lord's help. I believe in you-I believe in who you are in Christ. It hurts to see things affect you like they never have before-for every tear you have shed this year over the growing recognition of the cruelty of the world, I have cried two: one for the world and one for you. As much as I want to prevent you from seeing and knowing those things, that is not right, nor is it fair. 

   We will figure this out, though. I am muddling through right alongside. You've never been in this stage before, but I've never mothered a child in this stage, either. We have to give each other grace, love, mercy, tenderness. We have to forgive, over and over-both of us. We have to be honest, but not unkind. I want you to know that I am here to protect you, but not insulate you, to give you boundaries but not cages, to teach you, but not do for you, to love you unconditionally, but not free you from responsibility.

    I am excited now, more than ever. You have already surprised me this year with your maturity, thoughtfulness, and responsibility. You are meeting challenges head-on, and rising to the occasion. You are trying new things, and figuring out who God wants you to be.

    This is going to be a good year. The Lord has big things in store for you-not when you are an adult, but this week, this month, this year. He is using you right now, and will continue to do so as long as you stay close to Him. That is my prayer for both of us, to stay close to Him and to each other.

    I love you. I'm thankful God chose for us to be family. Together we will rock this 12 thing!

                                                                                  Love,

                                                                                       Mom 

   

To Jocelyn, On Your 11th Birthday

Dear Jocelyn,
                   I am a little sad that this is the first of these letters that I have written late. Since your birthday was on Thanksgiving this year it was almost impossible for me to write your letter, and I didn't want to do it before your birthday. Hopefully, if you ever read all of these, you won't mind that I wasn't on time.

    Wow. This has been one crazy year. I always think that if something has been hard on me as a comprehending, mature "grown-up" it must be even harder for you, as a kid. 2016 started off with the death of one of our favorite people, Grams. That was the first really important person you have ever lost and it has been a doozy. Watching you deal with your grief has changed me as a mom. Encouraging you to show your feelings, and seeing how you have openly been so very sad, has been hard. But watching you fiercely love Gramps, and never allowing it to make you bitter has helped me to see that it isn't impossible to grieve as one who has hope.

   Because you are filled with hope. Each passing day I see your love for Christ deepen, and you search to become more like Him. It is so crazy to say this about your own child, but you truly do challenge me in my walk. Honestly? I kind of want to be like you when I grow up. You have a joy for the Lord and a passion to share Him fearlessly. Your gift of evangelism is certainly something you have in common with Grams. I can see the beginnings of the transition to adulthood, and it is painful for both of us sometimes. You have shed more tears in the past year for various reasons than you have in rest of your life. But even in the struggle to deal with your changing feelings and starting to become more aware of the complexity of life, you've continued to turn to the Lord and stayed strong in your desire to tell everyone you come in contact with about Him.

   I pray that sticks with you. We are coming to the end of the innocence of the "little girl" years. It isn't easy for me, but I'd much rather have you grow up than face the alternative! Watching you mature makes me bittersweetly nostalgic. I am excited to see where you will go, but at the same time I just want time to slow down a little! I feel this way much more frequently than I did when you were an adorable toddler, even.

   I'm just praying you hold on to the sweetness of spirit and joy for living that makes you *you*. You are incredibly kind and generous, creative and friendly. You've spent this year learning so many new things. You've stayed with hard things, like dance, determinedly practicing, not bent on being the star, but just on improving. You committed to working diligently in school, not complaining and getting your work done. You've taken a real interest in history, and blown me away by using the summer months to work hard in math so that you are now working a grade ahead. I thought sixth grade would be difficult, but you have surprised me!

    You've really made a name for yourself with your helpful willingness. I can count on you to do the work of an adult, practically, when we are volunteering at church! Watching you carefully pack Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes blessed me so much. You have a real heart for ministry. You always say you want to grow up to direct VBS and it probably won't be long before you are more qualified than I. I look forward to working for you! People genuinely love to have you around-the only credit I can take for that is all the prayers I have prayed for you. The rest is all the Lord.

    He knew we would need our ray of sunshine. In our little family you definitely can claim that! I love you so much it hurts sometimes, and I am praying constantly that the Lord shows me how to be the mom you need and deserve. Every time I write one of these letters I cry, not for the time that has passed, but for how blessed I am to get to call you my daughter. For how proud I am of you, for how intensely I love you, and how sweet it is to know you return those feelings. You are amazing, beautiful inside and out, and I love you.
                                                                                        Love,
                                                                                              Mom