So, I have a whole series of posts on the wedding and other trip things planned, and then I realized last night that I can't find my camera cord. Posting those posts without photos would be like having a s'more without a marshmallow-kind of icky. I had already planned to start blogging more frequently (even since the beginning of the year, my goal has been to blog at least once a week) and since I came home I was planning on blogging every night, even if I didn't hit publish.
But when I realized my camera cord was MIA, I started to feel sorry for myself. Why do I post anyway? Basically, the only people reading this are my aunt, my sisters and sometimes my mom. And they pretty much lived through all the wedding craziness with me. So they probably don't need an extended play-by-play.
As a matter of fact, why do I blog at all? I have been at this for almost *five* years (Next month is my anniversary, just in case you wanted to send a gift!) and I have precious little to show for it. Yes, I have a record of many of our little family's memories, which is wonderful. But I could have put together photo books for that and not displayed it like I thought it was so important that the whole world wanted to see it.
And my little spiritual musings, well, let's be honest. I'm no Beth Moore, or Ann Voskamp! And then I bizarrely mix that up with craft projects, and bizarre ramblings of other kinds and you kind of have a mess. That, I suppose, is why I named this "Clare's Contemplations"-it's basically your view into the utter disaster that is my mind.
Which leads me back to where I started. Why in the world am I wasting my time on this at all? I have looked at way too many blogs that have only been around for a year (or less!) that have literally thousands of more readers than I do. I know I don't follow the "rules"-I don't post often enough, I don't comment enough, I haven't submitted any guest posts, I don't link to enough parties. So, I really don't have anyone to blame but myself.
But, you see, I keep praying about this whole blogging thing. I think, "I will plunge in wholeheartedly and do a million linky parties, and pin faithfully, and write up a guest post and post more often and comment on at least "X" number of blogs." And I feel the Spirit say, "Wait". And then I think, that's okay, I will just close up shop and put all this childish foolishness behind me. And again, I feel the Spirit say, "Wait".
And I don't understand why. I'm not doing any good am I? Not that I can see.
"Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction;
whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
Let us not become weary in doing good,
for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Therefore, as we have opportunity,
let us do good to all people,
especially to those who belong to the family of believers."
See, I read this blog this morning. And I also read this:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,
fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.
For the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame,
and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners,
so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
I'm doing this because I can't *not* do it. Because even though it embarasses me, and frustrates me, confuses me and confounds me, I'm just called to do it. And I don't get to see where the seeds I have sown have fallen. Because it keeps me humble and refines my faith, and causes me to focus on Who I am really doing this for.
Like being a wife.
Like being a mother.
Like being a homeschooler.
Like being a friend.
Like giving my widow's mite.
Like being a believer.
And so, on those days when I am feeling especially low, I go to the One who never wearies of me, no matter how pitiful I am. The One who sees past the bad grammar, and run-on sentences, the menial grasping at words to try to explain how the Word and the Spirit are at work in my life into what is truly going on: a continual perfecting of the good work He started in me. And I will keep planting seeds, even if I never see the fruit. I will keep chugging along, until I am given the freedom to stop. And that may be tomorrow, next year, or at the end of my life. Until then, I will continue to consider Him and not lost heart.