"Oh Lord, You have searched me and know me, You know when I sit and when I rise, You perceive my thoughts from afar. You hem me in behind and before, You have laid Your hand upon me." -from Psalm 139
The Lord has heard a lot from me lately. It all started with some photos. I was editing some pictures of the kids when I realized Carson's eye was looking odd. Instead of a black spot where his pupil was (or even a red one) that area was milky and cloudy looking. I probably would have just thought it was because I don't have a top-of-the-line camera. Probably, except I had just read an article about retinoblastoma. In the article the little girl's eye cancer had been diagnosed through a photo-her eye looked just like Carson's did. And she had to have it removed in order to save her life.
I am not a WebMD mom. Having a dad who is a doctor has taught me that the easiest answer is usually the best one. 99.9% of things we think are fatal, aren't. I did not want to be guilty of Munchausen's by proxy! However, when I showed the photos to Joel, he didn't just call me crazy. So, since Carson's 18 month check-up was already scheduled we decided to wait and ask the peditrician.
He didn't tell us we were crazy, either. He scheduled a referral with the opthamologist. Not what we wanted to hear. The opthamologist didn't think there was anything wrong-until he saw the photos. Then he worried us by setting up an immediate return appointment.
Let's just say I have driven myself crazy for the last week with all the possibilities. Could it be true that my delightful,busy little boy was deathly ill? I kept petitioning the Lord, "Give me strength, but most of all keep my baby safe." This verse kept coming back to me. He hems me in. He was there at the beginning and He, He alone, will be there to complete what He has begun. He is on the other side of everything.
I would love to say that I have been completely calm, peaceful and sane. Joel would be glad to tell you otherwise. However, every time my emotions threatened to gain the upper hand the Holy Spirit gently reminded me who was hemming me in.
So today, we went back to the opthamologist. The original doctor throughly examined him. A second doctor came in to look everything over. They dilated his eyes and glared ridiculously bright lights in them, much to Carson's dismay. And then, blessed relief. He is fine! Then the doctor told us that he didn't want to say, but after viewing the photos he had felt there was a very real possibility that Carson had a tumor. We hadn't been imagining the image-and it could have been very life-threatening. The doctor was very glad that had not been the case. How does he think we felt?!
Oh, Lord, You have searched me. I am glad that today was not the day when I was found in need of a serious trial. I am so thankful for my healthy family. I know that the Lord is perfect in all He does. He makes no mistakes. I can only praise Him for not choosing our family at this time. Let me be worthy. I can see the Father carefully examining all the seams in my life, checking them for durability, putting in stitches where some are broken or missing. He started the stitching and He isn't about to give up in the middle of the project. He keeps all the threads in place, and I am so grateful. But most of all I am thankful that He is always on the other side, hemming me in.