Monday, August 25, 2008

Proud of Every Day

We are getting down to the wire now, to the weird stage where you feel like you have to make every moment "count". I guess the question I really have for myself is why don't I feel like that is how I live my life every day? When your husband is leaving for war (regardless of what the media or government calls it, that's what it is to me) you start to hyper-evaluate everything. You want to make sure he knows he is loved, respected and valued. You want him, and your kids, to have great memories to treasure over the long days apart. You foolishly feel that you can bank quality time, and personal touch. You know you can't, but you try anyway. My 2 and 1/2 year old certainly isn't going to feel like she has her daddy's love saved up-she will just know he is gone and has been for what seems like forever.
What it really boils down to for me is that I have to live my life in a way that I am proud to remember every day. It is impossible to not feel like you didn't "do enough" when these type of life-changing events occur. So what I have to do is try to avoid doing it all, and just do what I know is most important to the Lord. Even if I want him to, Joel is not going to appreciate scrapbook pages, poems or any of those other things that are supposed to be so valuable. He will remember if I don't nag, or scream at the kids and the days I made him cake. So in the next week I will try to do those things for him. While he is gone, I will do those things in honor of him. I think that is the best way to make my moments count.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Old Memories for Sale

I just consigned a bunch of my kids' clothes at a big sale. It makes me pause and wonder why it is so hard for me to part with their things. I had two huge Rubbermaids full of Josie's clothes that were all under 18 months. What am I saving them for? Carson sure can't use them! It is just hard I think because clothes are such tangible reminders of how tiny your kids used to be. Mine are never that small for long! (Carson is already in 9 months sizes.) I suppose it just physical evidence of the thoughts that divide the mind of every mom. You want your kids to stay little, because they are so adorable, they don't talk back, and they need you so desperately. Yet you want them to mature, to be independent so that they can be successful adults. I think in part it shows how much you treasure your kids, when you want them to stay little and still grow up. It means, in part, that you don't mind the lack of sleep, constant diaper changes and grubby paws as much as you say you do! I will just try to want what God wants for us, to mature but never to lose the complete love and trust of a little child. I let go of a lot of Josie's old things; I realized that even if I do have another girl I will want her to have her own things. I will just take lots of pictures instead!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Trust... and Obey?

Things have been crazy around these parts! My sister and her family came for a visit on Thursday. Unfortunately, they were only able to stay until Sunday morning but it was fun while it lasted. The hardest part for me is that I have discovered that I always create a dam of sorts in my mind when I am facing something painful. I set up events that make whatever I don't want to deal with seem further away. The problem is that with things, such as my sister's visit, it was the last log in my "dam". Now that it is broken, all I can think about is Joel leaving. I am doing better this time then the first deployment. I know more what to expect, and my relationship with the Lord is stronger. It still doesn't make things easy, though. I hate the thought that he will miss so much.
I think dealing with Josie will be the hardest. We were driving to church on Sunday and Joel and I were discussing possible places he may be while he is gone. Josie, of course as any good child would be, was sitting in the back listening intently. We paused for a moment and she pipes up loudly, " Daddy is going to CHURCH, NOT IRAQ!" If only that were the case, and I hate it when she says things like that because it just makes it that much harder. Dealing with separation as an adult is completely different than trying to explain it to a child who doesn't even know what tomorrow means, and is completely unable to grasp the concept of a year. ( Although, even as an adult a year somehow manages to seem like forever when you are apart from your best friend.)
I still can't help but think that this is only for our good. I am holding so many precious verses close to my heart. Now more than ever, every verse I have ever learned is coming to my mind. It strengthens my commitment to only continue to add to what I have already memorized. How can you not draw strength from remembering "All good things work together for the good of those who love the LORD" and knowing that He is "with us always" and gives us strength for every good work? It is impossible for me to understand why He would want our family to be separated, but He doesn't ask me to understand, only obey. And sometimes that is more comforting, because then He holds all the responsibility, and I only have to find comfort in His love.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

A Fresh Start

I have had a better today than yesterday. I have had a few things that are really laying heavy on my heart-we will see where they go. I started Beth Moore's book "To Live is Christ" and I think that it will be beneficial to my spiritual life. I have really entered (what seems like to me to me, anyway) a new area of spiritual growth in my life. I am truly beginning to see the lost around me as desperate for hope, hope that I have. It is exciting and scary at the same time. Exciting because I am rejoicing at being a part of God's magnificent plan; but on the same hand afraid because I am such a frail, fragile human. I have noticed recently many small things that I do that are so un-Christlike. It makes me ashamed because I label them as things "everybody does" as if that makes it acceptable. Oh, how quick I am to forget that I have a higher calling! I really believe that if I saturate every part of my life with Christ it will be impossible for me to not draw others to Him.
It is just bridging the gap between my laundry pile-Monk watching-Craigslist searching alter ego and the part of me that wants to radiate Scriptural principles. Moore opens her book by talking about the "rituals" for lack of a better term that were part of every dedicated Jew's life. It really made me want those things for myself, intense Scripture memorization, a sense of separation from worldly thoughts and desires. Wearing Scripture in a box on my forehead would really make me stand out, that is for sure! All this said, I want to take things slowly. I don't want a New Year's resolution that is gone by February. I want a life change, but I think, no I know that God can do that for me. It will be interesting to see how it goes and I challenge anyone who reads this to hold me accountable. By actually putting it out there, I will have to hold myself accountable. This is only the beginning...

Monday, August 11, 2008


Today has not been a great day. I am bored, but it isn't because I don't have anything to do, it is really because there is nothing I want to do. I am currently obsessed with Craigslist and I have to refrain from continually checking to make sure I am not missing any good deals. Other than that my day has consisted of cleaning up after Josie's accident in the bathroom, changing Carson's sheets after his accident in bed last night and playing endless reruns of Scooby-Doo! Ahhh, the glamourous life of a SAHM.
I do have a little bit of a rant against people with overactive Spam folders! Why would you try to conduct business with someone but never check your junk mail file? I had an email from a lady today about something I was trying to sell on CL (actually the third one) and I finally had to respond from a different email account. According to her, she had never received any emails but yet none of my responses had been returned! Yes, it frustrates me, hence all the exclamation marks. It doesn't matter anyway because I had already sold what she wanted. Serves her right I guess, how rude would I be to not answer any of my emails? Besides, I seem to get all of my mail. Whatever, I guess it just frustrates me that she finally contacted me again after almost a week. I didn't even realize she had never gotten my messages. I know, no one cares about this but me. I am only now realizing the true beauty of a blog!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

First Try

I suppose this is all part of my trying to break out of my shell, this concept of blogging. I am so frightened that if people see all of me they will run screaming in terror. But then again, maybe I give myself too much credit to think that anyone would care to give that much effort! This first try will be short due to the inherent difficulty of typing with only one hand (the other is currently occupied by my 2-year old). Perhaps more when blessed nap-time occurs!


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